Chatrbox

i finally realized something today, as long as i am thinking towards the future then the present will not get to me. once, even for a second, i think about the present, all is lost.

don't get me wrong, i am enjoying the first week, the nightly loneliness does tend to get to me sometimes though

oh wells

time to go recipe hunting

Yup another year and another post
Happy Birthday Tiffany!!

love ya and hope you have a great day!

well hi to all of those who are just getting this now. i have been posting on my other blog http://sarachatr.blogspot.com
so here is todays blog:
if people understood me, what a merry place this world we be.
i try as hard as i can to make my friends happy. i put them first. but does this really matter? nope, not at all. instead i get to sit here, pouring my eyes it, wishing someone actually did understand me. i thought my friends did, but i guess i was wrong. if they only knew the hell i have been going through this past week. if only if only, well that would be nice, will it work? nope, not at all.
and here i thought break ups were difficult, i think having your friends angry at you is so much worse. what does it feel like you might ask? this is one tough thing to explain. it's heartbreak. if you see someone you care for flirting with someone else, your heart just breaks. you feel like absolute crap. if that situation is not understandable how about one where your best friend is angry at you. something happens and you need someone to tell, so you turn to your best friend, but you cannot do that. now you don't want to turn to someone else, because you do not want to burden them with your problem so instead of having one problem you have two. What do you do know, well...you are screwed my friend.
let's be realistic here shall we, to do so i must explain myself and who i am. I put my friends first, and i try to help them when i can. when i can't, i usually feel like dirt on this earth, like i wasted a chance to help another. i enjoy helping people and being there for them. I do enjoy when people are there for me, but this rarely happens. When i have a problem i try to deal with it myself before actually asking for help. i hate burdening others with my problems.
Last year Mistress had a Fling, many times after hanging out with them, they would be cuddling and what not, i would come home feeling sad. Why? Because i wanted to have someone there too. Well one Mistresses fling ended, i lost a friend. One of them doesn't even talk to me any more, which bothers me greatly. But i deal with it, i push it aside and try and forget, but the hurt is still there.
Last Thursday when I went out w/ Mistress and two other guys one was constantly flirting with me, which put Mistress at a great disadvantage. because she could not say anything back to him so she was forced to be with the other guy, and she did not like this. Well i must say that it was nice to have the attention when i actually wanted to. With Heartbreak, because i knew what he wanted, it felt weird and I did not enjoy the attention. So yes, then that night I asked him out and we went out Sat night. Now here I am a fool on three accounts, one- i did not obey my mother, two- i told mistress, three- i told a dear friend of mine. What happens with me? I tell the truth to people and i get burnt because of it. Would they rather i lie? I told my friends because i wanted their opinions, but it ended up smacking me in the face.
This is a trend with me...one that happens all too often.
So here is the questions: what is the solution?
Well knowing myself what would i do? call everything off with him and go back to making Mistress happy while trying to salvage a friendship the SHE DOES NOT APPROVE OF.
Now even when i have one fixed i still have a big problem, i have a friend that my Mistress does not approve of. Because I allowed myself to get attached to him and want to go see him. Will that happen now? I have no idea, i really was looking foreword to it.
But here is the problem again, i do not have her approval, so which do i do, make my friend happy or myself?
I have no idea,
I am at a loss
I am in tears
Why must this happen now, why today, why why WHY!?!?!?!??!

Solution:
Honey you are screwed, get over your self

quick note to those that do not know....

leaving on an air plane to canada in january...woooot. so damn excited you guys have no idea.

that is all i need to say

drugs kicking in...yaaay for a hopeful painless night


peace

Ok so i am about to zonk out but before i do i have one thing to say:


Happy BIRTHDAY/LEGAL DAY Tiffany!!!!
May you have an amaizng, year. Enjoy college
and i hope that my text did not wake you up...lol

have a good one and miss ya tons!!

arg, brief update: life sucks, break ups suck, dealing with the after math sucks. In conclusion: life sucks and can be a big bitch.

It would probably be difficult, but if anyone wants to know how I am doing or what is going on in my crappy life check out: http://sarachatr.blogspot.com/

but that would be complaining, i guess it is easy to complain with the knowledge that no one will ever read it. eh, whatever.

SLeep Time!!

since i am very lazy, here is the blog i just wrote:

Life is disgusting, it disgusts me. People are cruel, disgusting, perverted and any other word you can think about that will fit what I am talking about. Let's just say that I am not in a people mood today. Let us also say that today is another one of my depressing days. It is so difficult to get him out of my head. I gave him so much of myself, but I did not give him the true me. That part is untainted from his touch. But my heart has been tainted, bruised, and still in pain. When I think about my grandfathers last day, I think about him. That day I was already in a rotten mood. I installed sims and I had to uninstall all of them, all of my saved games were lost. Then my father called, and told me what happened. It was at that point that I knew what the next night would bring. For awhile, I continued to stay quiet and think,then the water began to pour. He came over and held me tight. That night I cried in bed, but not too much. I was nervous. But I knew that I had to stay strong. The next night, I cried myself to sleep. For an hour I cried, I had to calm myself down in order to go to sleep. But while I slept, he held me tight, a feeling that I miss. I felt safe. Even though my grandfather had passed on, I felt that at least I had someone that loved me. Why, why did I fool myself? I miss that feeling of safety. That was the first time I ever truly felt safe. This past year was hard. Every night I came home from a hard day of school only to hear constant yells. So yes, I was happy when I got into a relationship, because I felt safe. I was able to forget about all of my problems at home while with him. I can't forget the many good times we had. Sunset at the beach, staring at the stars, having him at graduation, and spending time with him. I gave him myself but he did not see that. It hurts so much. My friends do not understand. It was only 3 months, why am I so bummed out? Well, I gave him my heart, and I fell, hard.
People can't stand it, I should just get over him, but our case was special. Even today, I went to play WoW, and I saw that he took his character off. That hurt, he went on to my account and took his off. Even without him being here, he still hurts me. Every hurt in unconscious though. Because I am too sensitive. Well that is me, but I guess being me isn't right. I do not know anymore.
I do not know anything anymore. I only know pain, I only know what I feel. Now I feel pain, and lonely. My friend is away, she will be busy, and I will be unable to speak to her. But that's just what I feel. My opinions. And yes, they are depressed.
Such is life, and it stinks. Might as well go to sleep, zonked.

well, i have decided that i should get an actual blog, so i have it's http://sarachatr.blogspot.com/ check it out if u want to, havn't written anything yet. too tired to type, want sleep
enjoy all.

i love dreams but sometimes they are the worst things in the world
last sat day i had a dream that Shawn broke up with me
and guess what happened yesterday?
so yeah, it was hard, it hurt, more then i can put into words. and honestly, i didn't cry that much. might be due to the fact that i spent most of my week crying- well sun-tue.
i still don't know the cause, seems like a classic theme from this summer. causes being uncertain.
i guess it is for the better, i just hope/pray/wish that he feels the pain. if i hate anything it is liars, and that is what he was. a person cannot utter the three sacred words and then say that it is nothing. emotions were involved, a heart was broken.
the good new is that when i was with him, yesterday, i did not cry in front of him. and i must say that was the hardest thing to do. i kept fairly stoic the entire time.
he threw accusations at me, and i just nodded, defended myself a little but not much.
after many hours of thinking, i find out the reasons for some of the accusations which i must say pissed me off. i was accused of changing and even though that was true one important factor was neglected. i encountered death for the first time this summer, death of someone i love and will always miss. death of a physical constant who is now only here in spirit. so yes, i changed. i became uncertain, my world was torn. but i guess being him, he did not realize that. so i took it upon myelf to clarify that to him and added in some helpful footnote that also might help him in the future- i did this by e-mail.
yes i am still uncertain, but certainty will only come with time. and if by chance i do have another boyfriend, i will not keep it a secret from my father. it was too hard. not lying per say but only telling half truths. that was not me. yes i will be seeing him again- at the ren faire, and i will be friendly. we ended on a good note. no yelling or anything of that nature.
so yeah, that was my day.
right now, i am not hurting, but in a few hours i might be.
word of advice to anyone that reads this: gaurd your heart, keep the three sacred words sacred until you know for sure. be independent, be kind, and be yourself. dont fool yourself, be who you are.

Another day another day
Yet its a Monday, I no longer enjoy Mondays anymore, I no longer remember what it means to be happy
B/c every time I am somewhat happy I go home, back into my chambers and then recall all the shit that has happened. I try to forget, I truly try, but it does not work. I need to heal, it takes time, well there is not enough time- or at least it seems- to heal.
I need to get away, life, everything, it reminds me of what i have lost. What I miss.
And to top it off, I no longer want to drive, every time I think of driving all I can think of is the possibility of getting into an accident
Ugh just too much, too much. And oo yay we're moving, not really a yay. My mother does not have any sort of definite plan. And what I need right now is a definite plan.
Right now the only thing I can think of is, "your grandfather collapsed while he was at the park with your grandmother" I shouldn't be dwelling, but I am. It seems as though all I can do it dwell
Oh and to make matters worse my mother was rear ended and the bastard drove off. They got his license plate number and the make of his car but holy Fucking Shit!!!!
Too many bad things have happened in too short of a time span
whoop di do, fucking hell.
Well off to dwell some more or find some good things in life b/c right now it fucking sucks!

well, I meant to write a blog about the other 2 days in NY- needless to say things got hectic so I was unable to
to sum it up: my grandfathers cause of death is unknown, the NY state ambulance system sucks ass- took 15 min to get there, no difibulator and put the oxygen tube in the wrong place. Yeah so they are a bunch of assholes and things kind of suck. that night @ dinner my uncle gave a speech which brought me to tears and that night my dad and I had an hr long convo which I cried- I haven’t cried since then- until today. Anyways the next day I gave a speech about my grandfather- spur the moment- everyone laughed and enjoyed it. I went to visit my great grandmother-who is 106, she is doing well. And I went to the cemetery to see my grandfather- I must say seeing him like that freaked me out. It made everything real- which I am still not sure that it is.
Anyhoo, these past few weeks have been crazy- School and all. I keep on having to remind myself that the next time I am in NY he will not physically be there
anyways I was @ a friends house yesterday and she told me about the murders- I read the article and found out that the girl- Ashley went to Granada. I later went to a friend’s house, looked through the yearbook and found out that I did know her, she was in drama club. I sat next to her every time I came. I called jenny and told her right b4 the party- bad timing.
Yeah, anyways Shawn woke me up this morning and told me that he got into a car crash. He has a broken collar bone and his car is totaled. Is happened @ 6:30 am, he slept in his car for 3 hrs then left tot go home. Not sure whose fault it is, they will know when they get a hold of the police report.
Anyways after he told me this it took about an hr for some feelings to come out. And then it dawned on me- I almost lost him. Another loss and it has only been 2 weeks since my last one.
Loss sucks, no doubt about it. And granted everyone must deal with a loss at some point but that does not matter. This is way too much loss, suffering, pain, and any other adjective u can describe for one summer. And it’s not even over yet.
Right now I just want to hide, run away into the forest and live there for a few days, just to hide away from the world and all of its pain that she causes. Sorry world but u can be a real bitch sometimes.
The hardest part is to stay strong and put on a smiling face, I loath the smiling face. It just gives off the facade that everything is ok, but it isn't. Nothing is ok; nothing will ever be the same. This summer has changed me; I have experienced my first loss and my first physical and emotional realization that the world is a bitch.
Have a great day