well hi to all of those who are just getting this now. i have been posting on my other blog http://sarachatr.blogspot.com
so here is todays blog:
if people understood me, what a merry place this world we be.
i try as hard as i can to make my friends happy. i put them first. but does this really matter? nope, not at all. instead i get to sit here, pouring my eyes it, wishing someone actually did understand me. i thought my friends did, but i guess i was wrong. if they only knew the hell i have been going through this past week. if only if only, well that would be nice, will it work? nope, not at all.
and here i thought break ups were difficult, i think having your friends angry at you is so much worse. what does it feel like you might ask? this is one tough thing to explain. it's heartbreak. if you see someone you care for flirting with someone else, your heart just breaks. you feel like absolute crap. if that situation is not understandable how about one where your best friend is angry at you. something happens and you need someone to tell, so you turn to your best friend, but you cannot do that. now you don't want to turn to someone else, because you do not want to burden them with your problem so instead of having one problem you have two. What do you do know, well...you are screwed my friend.
let's be realistic here shall we, to do so i must explain myself and who i am. I put my friends first, and i try to help them when i can. when i can't, i usually feel like dirt on this earth, like i wasted a chance to help another. i enjoy helping people and being there for them. I do enjoy when people are there for me, but this rarely happens. When i have a problem i try to deal with it myself before actually asking for help. i hate burdening others with my problems.
Last year Mistress had a Fling, many times after hanging out with them, they would be cuddling and what not, i would come home feeling sad. Why? Because i wanted to have someone there too. Well one Mistresses fling ended, i lost a friend. One of them doesn't even talk to me any more, which bothers me greatly. But i deal with it, i push it aside and try and forget, but the hurt is still there.
Last Thursday when I went out w/ Mistress and two other guys one was constantly flirting with me, which put Mistress at a great disadvantage. because she could not say anything back to him so she was forced to be with the other guy, and she did not like this. Well i must say that it was nice to have the attention when i actually wanted to. With Heartbreak, because i knew what he wanted, it felt weird and I did not enjoy the attention. So yes, then that night I asked him out and we went out Sat night. Now here I am a fool on three accounts, one- i did not obey my mother, two- i told mistress, three- i told a dear friend of mine. What happens with me? I tell the truth to people and i get burnt because of it. Would they rather i lie? I told my friends because i wanted their opinions, but it ended up smacking me in the face.
This is a trend with me...one that happens all too often.
So here is the questions: what is the solution?
Well knowing myself what would i do? call everything off with him and go back to making Mistress happy while trying to salvage a friendship the SHE DOES NOT APPROVE OF.
Now even when i have one fixed i still have a big problem, i have a friend that my Mistress does not approve of. Because I allowed myself to get attached to him and want to go see him. Will that happen now? I have no idea, i really was looking foreword to it.
But here is the problem again, i do not have her approval, so which do i do, make my friend happy or myself?
I have no idea,
I am at a loss
I am in tears
Why must this happen now, why today, why why WHY!?!?!?!??!
Honey you are screwed, get over your self